Bad Paragraph! Bad Paragraph!

I was reading this year's winners of the 2005 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. If you are unfamiliar with this contest, they basically challenge people to write really really bad first paragraphs for a potential novel or short story (apparently Edward George Bulwer-Lytton was the pretentiously-named novelist who gave us that staple of suspense novels, "It was a dark and stormy night"). Many of the paragraphs were indeed very funny, and I particularly liked this entry for the "Vile Puns" category:

Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.

Jay Dardenne
Baton Rouge, LA

I shall now try my hand at this, evoking the spirit of Agatha Christie if she had been a pill-popping crack addict:

The butler served the afternoon tea to Lord Nigel Thurpleton III, and gave him a smile clearly saying "The Butler Did It!" that went unseen, which explains why they found Lord Thurpleton III dead four hours later with a dagger in his heart with a note saying "Go fetch your own damn tea!" written in perfect penmanship.

Can you come up with a bad first paragraph, too? :-)